Wondering what an open relationship is all about? Once considered a taboo subject, open relationships are gradually gaining visibility and acceptance in today’s culture. From celebrities sharing their unconventional love stories to increased representation in the media, consensual non-monogamy is becoming a topic of curiosity and exploration for many.
But how do you know if an open relationship is right for you?
At Empathy Health Clinic, we believe open relationships can be amazing and fulfilling. We love that we’re challenging old stereotypes and having open, loving conversations about sex and its meaning. You absolutely can have a fully committed and sustainable relationship that’s open. We’ve seen it firsthand.
However, we also witnessed open relationships that are coercive, fear-based, and rooted in domination or oppression. We’ve seen how unresolved traumas and low self-esteem can manifest in harmful ways.
Our goal today is to show you how these conversations can foster growth in your relationship, even if you never ultimately choose to have an open relationship. Simply discussing it can uncover subconscious beliefs and assumptions in enlightening ways.
What Is an Open Relationship?
Let’s clarify what we mean by “open relationship” for today’s discussion. Remember, the most important thing is for you and your partner to define it for yourselves. Broadly, healthy open relationships involve a mutual agreement that one or both partners can have sex, and sometimes “do more”, with people outside the relationship.
An open relationship, also known as a non-exclusive relationship, is a form of consensual non-monogamy where both partners agree that one or both can pursue connections—typically sexual—with other people while maintaining their primary relationship.
Unlike cheating, which relies on secrecy and betrayal, open relationships are founded on mutual consent, honesty, and transparency.
Key principles that define an open relationship include:
- Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): This is the foundation. Every person involved must freely and enthusiastically agree to the terms of the relationship.
- Explicit Agreements and Boundaries: Open relationships thrive on clarity. Couples establish rules and boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable, such as the type of connections allowed, how often they can occur, and how they are communicated.
- Open Communication and Honesty: Regular, open, and honest conversations are essential. Partners must be willing to discuss their feelings, needs, and concerns.
Open Relationship vs Polyamory vs Swinging
While all three relationship styles share a common denominator in exploring sexuality beyond a single partner, they are distinct in their dynamics and intentions. Here’s how they differ:
- Open relationships are arrangements where partners mutually agree to engage in casual, non-committed sexual encounters with others while preserving their primary relationship. In a non-exclusive relationship, people can form strong connections with others, but their main emotional commitment is usually to their primary partner.
- Swinging typically involves couples engaging in casual sexual experiences with others, often in social settings, but without emotional attachments. It is purely to spice up their sex life or for fun.
- Polyamory focuses on having multiple committed, emotional, or romantic relationships simultaneously, with an emphasis on deep connections.
Understanding these differences can help foster greater awareness and respect for diverse relationship styles.
The Rules of an Open Relationship
One of the most important aspects of a successful open relationship is setting clear boundaries and expectations. This ensures both partners remain on the same page and helps nurture trust and security.
Here are foundational rules many open couples follow:
- Define what’s “open”: Be definitive about what is and isn’t allowed. Are emotional attachments okay? Or is it strictly physical?
- Communicate openly and often: Regular check-ins help address feelings, concerns, or any unexpected challenges.
- Agree on safe practices: If there are physical relationships involved, set rules for protection and health, such as STI testing.
- Keep each other informed: Some couples prefer transparency and discuss other connections openly, while others agree to keep minimal details. Choose what works best for you.
- Reevaluate as needed: Relationships evolve, and so will your feelings about your arrangement. Periodically revisit the terms to ensure they’re still working.
Open Relationship Meaning: Is It What You Think?
If your partner has brought up the idea of an open relationship, or if you’re considering it yourself, understanding what this dynamic means is essential. Open relationships are about creating agreements that work for both partners, ensuring trust and communication remain strong.
“Open relationships require a high degree of emotional maturity and communication skills,” explains Rachel Coalburn, sex therapy expert and part of the Empathy Health Clinic team. “It’s essential to have a strong foundation of trust and respect before exploring this type of arrangement.”
As you think about this, it’s helpful to clarify your own motivations and boundaries. Open relationships can be a healthy choice for some, but only if both people are on the same page and have a clear understanding of what’s allowed and what isn’t.
This conversation is a great starting point for exploring whether an open relationship is right for you and your partner. Remember, every relationship is unique, and what matters most is creating a relationship that feels right for both of you.
The Growing Interest in Open Relationships
Before diving into the steps, let’s take a moment to explore some compelling statistics. A recent survey of over 23,000 Americans revealed that 25% are open to trying an open relationship. Among singles, 32% of men and 19% of women expressed interest. For married couples, the interest in open marriage was 30% of men and 21% of women.
Age appears to be a key factor in this trend. Interest in open relationships was highest among Millennials (41%), followed by Gen Z (29%), Gen X (23%), and Baby Boomers (12%).
Additionally, 46% of individuals identifying as LGBTQ+ were interested, compared to 22% of heterosexual respondents. These findings suggest that as people embrace a deeper understanding of their sexuality, they may also become more receptive to alternative relationship structures.
Are Open Relationships Healthy for Couples?
It truly depends—no two couples are the same. According to a study published in Research Gate, individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction and more frequent orgasms compared to those in monogamous relationships. This highlights that open relationships can be a fulfilling and viable choice for some people.
“The key is ensuring that all partners are aligned and that everyone’s needs are being met,” explains Rachel Coalburn.
Here are some potential benefits of open relationships:
- Increased Autonomy and Freedom: Open relationships can allow individuals to explore their desires and needs without feeling constrained by traditional monogamous expectations. This can lead to a greater sense of personal freedom and autonomy.
- Enhanced Communication and Honesty: Because open relationships require constant negotiation and transparency, couples often find their communication skills improve significantly. They learn to express their needs and feelings more openly and honestly.
- Exploration of Diverse Sexual and Emotional Connections: Open relationships can provide opportunities to explore diverse sexual and emotional connections, enriching the individual’s experiences and perspectives.
- Meeting Individual Needs and Desires: When partners have differing needs or desires, an open relationship can provide a framework for meeting those needs without compromising the primary relationship.
- Increased Self-Awareness and Personal Growth: Navigating the complexities of an open relationship can lead to increased self-awareness and personal growth. Individuals may gain a deeper understanding of their own needs, boundaries, and emotional responses.
For some couples, open relationships can fix a relationship. However, open relationships aren’t for everyone. Reflect on your needs, values, and comfort level to determine if this approach aligns with what you and your partner want in a relationship.
Is an Open Relationship Right for You?
Whether you call it consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy, open relationships can be challenging to define. They’re not cheating, swinging, or polyamory, so what are they, and should you consider one?
Now, let’s get to the steps to help you determine if an open relationship is right for you. Remember, there’s no one right way to do relationships.
Step 1: Ask Questions to Understand Your Partner’s “Why”
If your partner brings up the idea of an open relationship, ask them why they’re considering it. Try to get at least three reasons. If their reasons are based on fear—like being scared of commitment, intimacy, or past trauma—it might not be the best idea.
Also, if they’re already interested in someone else, that’s a red flag.
Fear-based reasons can also include feeling like something’s missing but not being able to figure out what. Sometimes, people mix up sex and emotional intimacy. Ask your partner if they think this will actually make your relationship better, and how. Keep the conversation open and kind—ask with curiosity, not judgment.
Step 2: Ask Questions to Gain Clarity
Take the conversation deeper by exploring the details. Ask your partner what their ideal scenario looks like.
- “Would they prefer using apps, hookup sites, or meeting people at bars?”
- ” How frequently would they like this to happen?”
- ” Is there a specific person in mind?”
- “Would this be a one-time experience or something ongoing?”
Be sure to discuss essential topics like boundaries, protection, sexual history, and how this dynamic might affect your intimacy. Decide whether this aspect of your relationship will remain private or be shared publicly. If you have children, consider how they could be impacted.
These detailed conversations are crucial, as many people haven’t fully thought through the specifics. Taking the time to clarify ensures mutual understanding and alignment.
Step 3: Ask Questions to Understand Your Own “Why” and Wants
What are your thoughts and feelings about an open relationship? How will you feel if your partner is out on a date with someone else? How open do you want them to be with you about it?
Consider the practical aspects, such as finances and time spent with other people. How do you feel about having sex with others? Are you motivated by revenge or genuine interest?
Step 4: Have an Open Dialogue
With all the information gathered, have an open conversation. This isn’t about arguing but sharing your thoughts and feelings. Discuss what you’ve learned about yourselves and each other. We recommend you have an open relationship boundaries list to guide the discussion.
Sample Boundaries List:
- No unprotected sex with outside partners.
- Always inform your partner before meeting with another partner.
- No overnight stays with other partners.
- Avoid dating mutual friends or coworkers to minimize complications.
- Keep shared spaces (like your home) as a private zone for the primary relationship.
- Schedule weekly or bi-weekly check-ins to discuss feelings, concerns, and how things are going.
Step 5: Make Your Own Decision First
Before making a joint decision, take time for soul-searching. Is an open relationship right for you? Come to a decision on your own, then have your final conversation with your partner.
(Final Considerations)
Say no to an open relationship if your reason is fear or spot some narcissistic behavior in a relationship. If you’re afraid of losing your partner, trying to save your relationship, feeling coerced, or uncomfortable, it’s not the right time.
Say yes when your relationship is strong, built on trust and respect. When there’s love, connection, confidence, and good communication. When you and your partner have aligned goals and see this as a way to enhance your relationship.
Assessing Your Readiness for an Open Relationship
Note: This is not an official assessment but a guide to help you reflect and explore your feelings about open relationships.
Deciding whether an open relationship is right for you and your partner requires careful consideration and honest self-reflection. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, and it’s essential to assess your readiness before taking the plunge.
Here’s a self-assessment guide to help you evaluate your preparedness:
- Are you and your partner aligned in your desires? Open relationships require complete alignment. Discuss your motivations, expectations, and concerns openly and honestly.
- Do you have strong communication skills? Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful open relationship. Can you express your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully?
- Can you handle complex emotions like jealousy? Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it’s the usual reason why open relationships don’t work. So are you prepared to manage these feelings constructively?
- Are you comfortable with ongoing negotiation and adjustment? Open relationships require constant communication and flexibility. Are you and your partner willing to adapt and adjust your agreements as needed?
- Are you ready to be honest about your feelings? Honesty and transparency are crucial. Are you prepared to share your thoughts and feelings, even when they are difficult?
If you’re considering an open relationship, it’s highly recommended that you:
- Seek individual and couples therapy: A therapist can provide guidance and support as you navigate the complexities of open relationships.
- Engage in open and honest discussions with your partner: Discuss your expectations, boundaries, and concerns thoroughly.
- Set clear boundaries and agreements: Establish specific rules and guidelines to ensure that all partners feel safe and respected.
- Consider Sexual or Intimacy Therapy: Sometimes, relationship challenges arise from a need to reconnect or reignite the spark. A sexual or intimacy therapist can help identify barriers and suggest ways to rebuild passion. This may include improving communication, addressing emotional or physical issues, or making space for intimacy amid life’s distractions. Often, it’s not about needing an open relationship but rediscovering each other in new ways.
To further aid in your reflection, consider this checklist:
- Do you and your partner share similar values regarding relationships?
- Are you both comfortable with the idea of your partner having other romantic or sexual connections?
- Can you commit to regular check-ins and open communication?
- Are you prepared to address challenges like jealousy and insecurity?
“Jealousy is a normal human emotion,” as published by Capulum College. “Instead of trying to suppress it, acknowledge it and talk about it openly with your partner. Practice self-compassion, and remember that vulnerability is not weakness.”
Making Informed Decisions About Open Relationships
Open relationships aren’t for everyone, but for those who approach them with intention, communication, and honesty, they can be incredibly rewarding. They allow for exploration, personal growth, and redefining what love and connection mean.
If you are considering an open relationship, take the time to research, reflect, and discuss your decision thoroughly with your partner. It’s also helpful to educate yourself—Nonmonogamy books like “The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton” or “Opening Up by Tristan Taormino” offer excellent insights and tools.
Remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
If you are struggling to make a decision, seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your concerns and develop strategies for success.
Learn more about sexual wellness and relationships or find an intimacy therapy center near you.
